I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
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This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I enjoy a good short stor
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I have obtained a hat
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.