I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
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Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.