I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
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When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I’m crying im so happy for them
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
lmaaaaaooooooooo
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room