I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Finished stitching this today 😇
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out