@Girl_Censored: I'm not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I'm going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard...
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@RxitWounds: *Power goes out* Wife: I can't see! *Shoes light up* Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money" & "clearly meant for a large child" now?!
@sirHASHington: I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
@SpenceDen: Me as a kid: I'm bored. What my parents heard: "I would like some manual labor please."
@FineThingsNLife: Just saw a bio that says his hobbies are "Drinking Women Eating Cars". Dude. Take up a new hobby. It's called Punctuation.