I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight