I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.