@1Happytwit: I'm not a mechanic so I don't know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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@IamEveryDayPpl: Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don't have a date yet. Me: Aw, you can't go alone? She meant the date of the funeral. I know that now
@ElgatoEsmio: At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
@DvuslyMarvelous: [At Mexican Restaurant] Me:asks for food to be spicy hot Waitress: how hot? Me: Waitress:my people hot or your people hot
@TheMichaelRock: CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves. Me: I don't rake. CW: Leaves will kill your grass! Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.