I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?