im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
You Might Also Like
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.