@IvoryGazelle: [work phone rings] Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question "Good, because it's 4:59 and I-" Now, it all started back in '82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

@angibangie: I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven't I done enough?

@Sassafrantz: Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up... Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough. Gynecologist: Um, your legs

@aksorojas: I'm reading an article entitled "Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die" and I'm disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.

@myonlymizztake: Me: I'm ghosting him. Her: You stopped talking to him? Me: No, I'm showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.