@zoebread: im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
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@megankcomedy: I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
@ilovepie84: Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
@slyoung5: Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.