@geekysteven: "Why didn't any of you go back and kill Hitler?" TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935. "Who?" TT: Bingo

@CornOnTheGoblin: my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard & theyre like this cereals hard damn right my cereals hard u should add milk so its not so sharp

@: [Changes Siri to male] ME: Siri, tell me the— MALE SIRI: Listen, here’s what you need to know. ME: I… MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I’m speaking

@matt_simpson84: Relationship status: went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf

@mrsmith196645: When I win the lottery I'm getting a pool boy, maybe I'll even get a pool.