@unravelingfire: When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don't know how math or blessings work.

@jessforaminute: Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America's Next Top Model or the Hamburglar

@Reverend_Scott: Dog: WHAT IF I'M HERE ALONE FOREVER Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT Dog: probably eat the cat LOL Dog 911: LOL

@jbillinson: Biden: "Guess who just upper-decked the toilet outside the Oval Office?" Obama: "Dammit Joe, I have to live here for two more months"

@trentistweeting: "doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!" it's ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee