I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
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Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.