I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
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My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store