@ktmcburr: I'm not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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@Jake_Vig: HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like? ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
@trevso_electric: Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
@thezwickers3: In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it's in.