I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Just me?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?