I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
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As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick