I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
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I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.