I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
You Might Also Like
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Happy Caturday!
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Stop it! 😂
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.