*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
You Might Also Like
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.