@usermcuserface: I'm not a violent person, but I'd happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.
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@OreoSpeedwagon_: Never judge Darth Vader's parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut? ME: *takes three* I: Um, ok, what's your greatest strength? ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
@UncleDuke1969: She said we needed to talk and... I said, "Yeah, I think we should break up, too." She said, "About where to eat." "Oh," I said, "Pizza?"
@DanKCharnley: Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son. "Sir this is Urban Outfitters" Do you have any 'baes'? "Please leave"