I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?