“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
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Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Well, this is awkward
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind