“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
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This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I cannot call her anything else now
That’s it.I’m out.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?