Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE