The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*