@TravLeBlanc: I'm not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: I have NO drafts! Wife: *opens window* Me: ... Wife: *opens door* Me: ... Wife: That better? Me: I should have married your sister.
@KKAlThani: "Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?" - how waiters should greet people
@Tw1tter_K1tten: I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
@catmarstru: "shaved carrots instead of cheese" lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same