I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
My birthstone is kidney
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
This January has 47 Mondays
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I wouldn’t.”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.