I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
#Caturday
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.