@Rollinintheseat: I'm not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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@VerifiedDrunk: If God wanted to impress me with his 'miracles' he would've impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
@Molly_Kats: A Victoria's Secret commercial will always come on when you're elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
@robotmouthfarts: EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this? Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
@vlowgoes: My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers. We go on tour in the fall.