I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
You Might Also Like
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.