@carlyken: I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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@SortaBad: [Native Americans see ship approach] Let's use fake names lol "Ha! I'll be Running Bear,u be Crazy Horse" lmao do u think they'll believe us
@DanMentos: "Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?" No thanks I have a previous engagement "I'm cool with that, hell I've been married like 6 times"
@Slygirl08: *Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
@Michael_Erhart: Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else's microwave.