I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
thinking about a very short hotdog
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
where the womens at?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen