I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.