I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
You Might Also Like
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I’m listening
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Going to pronounce fecal like decal