I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
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The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”