My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
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I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS