This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*