I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
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My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.