I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Morning.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.