LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
This anagram machine is out of order.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
water it, i dare you
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.