Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
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I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
They’re stuck in your pants?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience