@shkeeber: I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.
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@truegritrumble: PERSONAL TRAINER: How's your nutrition? ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It's been worse.
@kyle_thatisall: If your girl says "Hey guess what!" you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
@Lovestained555: My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
@badbanana: "And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."