@shkeeber: I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.
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@_ElvishPresley_: [Thanksgiving] ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas DAD: say please ME: hey dad will ya pass the please DAD: *tears up so hard*
@daemonic3: Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad? "I don't know, how would I know?" GF: I'm pregnant! "Hi Pregnant, I'm... OH MY GOD I'M READY"
@ruinedpicnic: [buying cucumber and vaseline] me: got an awesome night planned clerk: eugh [later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich] this is awful