I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
You Might Also Like
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Please do it!
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.