My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
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Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.