@OhNoSheTwitnt: I'm not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say "let it go" too often and then I can't stop singing it, an autobiography.
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@KeetPotato: doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas" me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat] dad: [opens one eye]
@AristotlesNZ: Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim's ringtone.
@tastefactory: Worst Betrayals in History: - Judas turning on Jesus - Brutus helping to murder Caesar - Verizon guy going to work for Sprint