@AnniemuMary: I'm not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
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@lwhit_the_boss: My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he's actually a bag of Cheetos
@Parentpains: I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.
@ArfMeasures: ME: The kids have ruined their shoes WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out [Later] ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave