I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
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I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
School be like
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.