@fading_roses19: I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
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@abbycohenwl: Friend: Are you growing your hair out? Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long
@RamblingMachine: If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.
@patnelke: My kids have voted, and the results are in. It's official, I've been elected the President of Empty Threats.