@fading_roses19: I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
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@Brianhopecomedy: I've tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
@NoLuckWanted: A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied "Only for you, baby". Now he feels special.
@BatmanOffDuty: *buying a dog* Is this a good dog? "Oh yeah, very good dog." Do any tricks? "No, I'm clean, selling dogs now."