@fading_roses19: I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
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@thepunningman: Dr "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Patient "Good" Dr "You have 6 months to live" P "What's the bad news!?" Dr "...in dog years"
@Robinbuble: Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I'm tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
@QwertyJones3: "Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out." Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I'll prove you wrong.