@fading_roses19: I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties.
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@DadInUtah: Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
@jonnysun: "oh holy crap this farmer just crucified a dude, maybe we shoud stay away from this farm" - what crows realy think when they see a scarecrow
@dumbbeezie: I don't have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I'm doing badly
@WilliamAder: They found Richard III's skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.