I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
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supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Sign at work today
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it