@myles_morrison: I'm not an alcoholic. I'm soberphobic.
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@unravelingfire: Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years. Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house? Me: They can't get in. 6: Why not? Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
@jwoodham: "You have a date? With who?" [Sees a fishing boat] "Uh, her name is Net..." [Sees someone with a booger] "Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit."
@Alfa_fox: New theory: It's Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives.