@myles_morrison: I'm not an alcoholic. I'm soberphobic.
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@_ElvishPresley_: [Horsemen tryouts] APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4 *Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other* STEVE: dang it
@jazmasta: [at Indian restaurant] "Those triangular pastry parcels with the spicy filling were delicious!" "Samosa?" "Oh no thanks, I'm full"
@therealeatwood: Call me old-fashioned but I think a woman should use her mouth for its intended purpose: for carrying her babies as cats carry their kittens
@girlontapas: Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you're a hero but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset