My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Good boy 😂😂
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill