@myles_morrison: I'm not an alcoholic. I'm soberphobic.
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@ericsshadow: One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who's in charge.
@schlimp: Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
@OutOnTheMoors: "Suddenly, my hair collapsed." - And I started to regret offering to edit my friend's first novel.