“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
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First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
This is true.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.