@_sanshandle: I'm not an animal expert but feeding your pet chimp Chinese food doesn't seem right. Then again, neither does owning a pet chimp.
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@LorieGZ: Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in! My daughter: You shouldn't wish for that..you're the one that does the laundry!
@trentistweeting: "My date was cute but he couldnt perform in the bedroom." *cuts to me in bedroom butchering Wonderwall on guitar* i swear this never happens
@MissBamantha: Overheard a girl just say she's full because she ate at 3:00. It's 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
@Rollinintheseat: Kid: "I want to be a doctor when I grow up." Mom: "You can't. Your hands aren't cold enough."