“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
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“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.