I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
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Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.