I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
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I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.