I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
This is my bus stop.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)