I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”