What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.