“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
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Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead