Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
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I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one